Something wonderful has been happening to me lately: two things actually. I’ve been having these moments during the regular course of my days where I remember to tap into Source. These moments are profound, really. It’s like all the normal things are going on around me, and suddenly I remember to breathe, and watch, instead of being caught up in it all.
It reminds me of an experience I had while reading a book once. It was one of those suspenseful; every-moment-is-action kind of books, like a Dan Brown novel or something. So many times while reading it I would catch myself, body completely tense, sitting literally on the edge of my chair. I kept having to stop and remind myself. “This is not my story. I am sitting in a cozy room, in a comfortable chair, with a blanket on my lap reading a book. Furthermore, I can sit back and relax this body while I watch the fictitious antics of these characters.”
This feeling of breathing and watching is a lot like remembering to sit back in a cozy chair. Instead of being perched on the edge with wide-eyes and this sort of expectant oh-my-god-what’s-going-to-happen-next feeling, it’s a settling back into the deeper part of me.
Instead of being the cog in the wheel of my life, I am relaxed and observant, yet still utterly present. It’s a breathtaking experience in the best way. It’s feels like I am suddenly a part of all of it, and at the same time present in my own deep being, which I wasn’t before when I was just a player in the moment.
This experience is not new to me. But, it has been a while. Honestly for the last two plus years being either pregnant or nursing (and with two little ones) I’ve just been barely able to keep my head above water most of the time. I’ve had this raging river of hormones flowing through me at all times, which are, for the record, like drugs. They do what they will with you and your emotions; you are not in charge. Many times I’ve felt like the best I can do is keep my mouth shut– and ride the current until it dissipates. Forget about connecting to that deeper part of myself, I honestly can’t even recall it’s there in those moments.
But it gets better. Not only have these startling moments of awareness come back into my life with increasing regularity, so too did this happen to me.
I was walking back into our house from my studio. Just as I was reaching out my hand to open to the door to our house, thereby reentering the family cacophony, and leaving behind the silence of my studio and outdoors, I felt it. In the blink of an eye my hand suddenly skimmed the surface of that internal well of gladness. Oh hello! You know that soul-deep satisfying, effervescently joyous, fathomless beyond imagination, AND perhaps even more importantly inside of me place. I smiled as I turned the knob on the door. In that moment, as the noise of my family began to filter into my ears, I had this shining feeling of gladness. It wasn’t for the depths of this well and what existed in it. It wasn’t because I always know it’s there. It was because it is. Always. Thank you.