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Memorandum to Hormones: those chemicals that got us into motherhood in the first place

Hormones post by Aimee Cartier
I’m sentimental about the first outfit my son wore.

It’s mom’s week. (I like to stretch it out.) In honor of mothers everywhere I am writing a note to those sometimes miraculous but also PESKY, IRRATIONAL, and IRRITATING Hormones that got us into this place in the first place. But first, let me say:

Thank all powers that be that, no longer pregnant or nursing, I am no longer in the deadly vice grip of serious Hormones. But to all mothers who still are, I feel for you. I want you to know, that you will return, the real you, that is. But depending on where you are in your motherhood journey, it may be a little bit. So in solidarity, (because I know you also might not be getting enough sleep to be able to conjure this letter) I’ve written this memorandum to Hormones for you. You can print it out and put it under your pillow, carry it around in your pocket, attach it to your toothbrush, or steering wheel, write it on your kitchen counter, tape it to your beloved’s forehead– you know, place it wherever the pesky H drives you THE MOST absurdly crazy! 😉

Good luck, use the Force.
All my love,

Dear Hormones,

Let me just start by saying, WTF!? Seriously.

You do realize that I have no control over this right? I didn’t even truly invite you, or at least I didn’t know that’s what I was doing when I got pregnant and made the decision to nurse my children. I had absolutely no idea you would treat me this way. And I’m sick of it. In fact, I’m going to kick YOUR ASS! Oh wait, there you are talking through me again. Plus, your ass is my ass, so that’s not going to work out for me. Yet another error in judgment your pumping through my veins has induced.

But seriously, cool it H! I know that you are responsible for helping me actually super baby watermarked Aimee Cartiermake these lovely children, which in itself is a miracle. But do you have to make me pay so heartily?! I mean seriously, I have already done quitea bit of work, in case you haven’t noticed. Hello, I grew a baby, with a brain and fingernails and eyelashes and a tongue, just to mention a few of the miracles.

Also, are you aware that I’m also unbelievably sleep deprived?! Do you have any idea what a deadly combination you and sleep deprivation are!? I can hear your menacing chuckle. You do know! I’m acting like a monster. And I have NO CONTROL over it. So, I just want to say, I would appreciate if you could lay off a bit. I mean THANKS, and I mean that, for the kids. But STOP popping your head up at random moments and making me feel and act totally bonkers.

Now that I am in your throws, I’m asking you as nicely as I can, and this is truly the best I can do: Please shut the F&*(&* up! Please only do the nice things, (like help me make breast milk or a baby) cool it on the loud lioness roars. I’ll have you know, neither I, nor my husband appreciates those.

Your human host


Aimée Cartier is a mother, author, and psychic.  She specializes in helping her clients discover their next best steps in life. More about her work can be found at www.spreadingblessings.com.

dear Hormones back off by Aimee Cartier

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